Share on Twitter A Reader Writes… I was wondering if you could help me with something that has been playing on my mind recently… It recently transpired that my boyfriend of 15 months has been looking at girls on a dating website that he used to use before he met me.
At first, he replied that he has a couple of times, and then when I was unsure whether he was being honest, I asked again and he then said a couple of times a week. He reassured me that he was not going on there to look for girls, but just to look at their pictures. I told him that I found this a bit weird that he is going on a dating website to look at other girls, when supposedly he is in a relationship with me. I told him how it really upset me and how disrespectful I found it, especially as it was a dating website.
After this all came out about him looking at dating sites, he seemed to take this all back and reminded me that he is heterosexual. I have also wondered in the past whether we have different boundaries in terms of sex, as he has slept with more people than me about 20 , whereas I have only had 2 sexual partners him and my ex.
Is this typical male behaviour and I am just unable to see beyond my own female perspective? If it is, what things should I be asking myself or focus on to try and stop my mind from going over all this stuff in my head? Should I be feeling so insecure or do I just need to let it go?
I know this has made me feel insecure and I hate it, I just want to enjoy being in the relationship again! Andrew Replies… This is a really tough one because where do you draw the line between normal and dangerous — especially as technology has made the line much more blurry.
In the past, we might actually look at contact adverts in the back of newspapers for a bit of fun imagining what it might be like to meet these people. However, in the old days we would have to find a photo, write a letter, post it to a PO Box and wait for a reply. As you can imagine this can lead to all sorts of problems. The other big difference is that our homes are much more porous than before.
What do I mean by this? In the past, there was one phone and we knew who had called. This is why I find it very difficult to draw the line between between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and whether your reaction is normal or over-the-top. A little bit like a dog that barks when the postman delivers a letter two doors down. Emotive language and that is going to make you highly emotional and the whole situation becomes more charged. The first is say nothing and hope for the best which is what most people favour.
The result is we start to switch ourselves off and that makes it much harder to become sexual. I suppose the best way to describe the difference between shutting yourself off and simmering is the 50 Shades of Grey phenomena.
Lots of women have been reading this book and finding it such a great turn on and they have leapt on their partner. I explain more about simmering in Make Love like a Prairie Vole. I think you would find this book helpful. The other way to deal with the more porous boundaries into our household is to make certain that you have a better relationship rather than take each other for granted. So instead of taking your relationship for granted, you make certain that you can communicate properly and if your partner is unhappy about something he will talk to you about it.
However, by worrying you are putting a big barrier between you and your partner. If you learn from the experience and take the advice of your friend and try to get into the mind-set of men and my advice and learn more about relationships, I think you can turn this temporary glitch into something that will strengthen your relationship.