Give more than four dates for chemistry to develop? January 26, 8: The conversation is great, but I haven't felt a spark. In this situation, I'm torn between two things that I'm trying to change in my approach to dating: First, I'm trying to lessen my tendency to decide ASAP whether a relationship will work out, before I really get to know someone. Second, I'm trying to lessen my tendency to fail to end relationships that I'd rather not be in. The first change says, "Go on more dates and see if chemistry develops.
What are your experiences with giving chemistry more time to develop? If you're not feeling it now, chemistry is unlikely to develop. It's not impossible, the question is whether that's the best use of your and her time. Go on more dates edit to clarify: There's no harm in it if you're not in a committed relationship, and if you ever start getting a feeling about someone from a while back like "you know, now that I think about it, it would be nice to talk to that girl again about this thing," go ahead and be honest and tell her if it hasn't been ages and there's a possibility she's still interested.
Maybe she feels the same way. Attraction and the ability to interact naturally and pleasantly, I feel, can be figured out over the course of a short time even just a few minutes. But resist the urge to extrapolate that into an entire relationship.
That kind of thing, with any kind of relationship romantic or otherwise, takes time to develop and judge. Just focus on having a good time with the person you're with - if you don't feel it, it's safe to move on and probably best for everyone involved. I can think of one, maybe two situations where chemistry took a little longer to develop.
But I also don't see anything wrong with going on more dates in that situation. Not to see if chemistry develops, necessarily, but more just to go and spend some time with someone I like.
I don't know about you, but at only 4 dates I'm not going to be getting into an exclusive, committed relationship with someone. As long as both parties are on the same page "we're both still getting to know one another" , I see no reason to slash and burn a casual dating relationship that I'm having fun with.
If you see yourself making snap judgments about these things regularly and want to change that, you can go ahead and do so. Be kind and be honest. Is it possible that you haven't put yourselves in a situation conducive to sparking? I mean, maybe you have and it fizzled; maybe you haven't and you just need to find that moment. Or maybe that moment will never exist. Not a fourth date problem. At this point, if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. There are plenty of fish in the sea, for both of you.
Go find someone you're excited about. You absolutely have to wait some amount of time for things to develop, but how much is appropriate is something that no one can say for sure. Depends so much on your personality, the situation, the person you have met- could be an hour of more time is appropriate, a week more Think of meeting someone like being handed a present wrapped in layers and layers of wrapping paper. You take a look at it, you tap it, shake it, feel it's weight, and begin to imagine there is a wonderful person in there.
On date two and three you're a couple of layers into it and what do you see now? Is the paper still shiny and festive? Are you more excited about unwrapping or less? If you have chemistry building, that means more excited. More than anything in your question, I sense that you are pressuring yourself to get it "right".
You will make some right calls and some wrong ones in dating- the worst that could happen is that you wasted a few dates with someone that you really weren't compatible with. Have faith in yourself that experience will serve you well and be your best teacher. Good chemistry may take a little bit of interaction to develop, but rest assured that when it does you can't miss it. You need a spark, I reckon, if it's going to be anything other than friendship. I've had the spark fizzle out and turn into friendship, but in my experience it's far, far less common for friends to suddenly go zing!
BUT spark does not necessarily mean they are good relationship material. So on dates, look for the spark and if it isn't there, don't let it drag on too long.
But if the spark is there and lots of other things that mean they would be a good relationship are not there, do not go there. If you want to feel slightly better about your experience, imagine how much fun it is when their dating profiles say they're looking for friends as well as relationships and you are doing the whole tortured headgame of "do they like me or like like me? Yeah, this is why I'm taking a break from dating right now. Catching a whiff of my date's real smell during a physical activity skating, bushwalking, etc is when I know if there is ever going to be chemistry or not.
Along these lines - I wanted to have the supermarket shelf-stacker's babies, right there next to the olive oil and anchovies, he smelt so good.
Why's it got to be 'A Relationship' with capital letters? Can't you just go out once in a while non-exclusively while being honest about this, of course and have fun, see if anything develops? And then, if the answer is, meh, I could, but I'm not enthusiastic about the idea, then there's just no chemistry. I think your second goal of being timely in ending a relationship that is going nowhere is much more worthy and respectful to her too than the first goal of assuming that everybody is worth really getting to know.
There are plenty of duds with dating. If you're out with a woman on a first date and there's zero chemistry and she's throwing up red flags left and right, then for Pete's sake don't feel obliged to really get to know her before ending it! No kiss, no second date for her. I have found it's the people who are attractive, good conversationalists, ambitious, kind, etc.
It's hard to know if a great person will also be great for YOU in the long run. You may have to date a long time to really know if that's the one. So understand what you've got in front of you before you invest. Specifically, regarding your four date gal, if you have not felt any urge to touch her, give her a kiss after great conversations spanning four dates, then I agree with the others that it's probably not going to happen.
Physical chemistry CAN grow, but let's assume for this that there's some modest chemistry to begin with. I'm totally in love with my boyfriend of 2. I didn't lie to him, I was honest the whole time. What happened was he was a really nice guy, plus smart, funny and kind.
But I just didn't feel "the spark". Still, I decided to keep an open mind. So I kept dating the guy and we kept having fun and I am so happy I didn't go, at date 4, nah, this will never work.
The two guys I fell for immediately earlier? Totally not good fits for me. So sometimes slow and steady in dating, actually giving yourself time to get to know someone, is worthwhile. But my experience is unusual.
That really seems like forcing it to prove some point to yourself. You're not avoiding jumping in too quickly by not feeling it yet, you're just not feeling it. That's fine, but i'd definitely say it's time to move on.
The second change is right, don't let the first change make you second guess yourself too much. Being true to the first chance means not deciding you're exclusive on the 3rd date, not breaking it off at 4 when there's not much there. What does "spark" mean to you, OP? Does it mean weak and trembling when you stand too close, or intense fantasies following a date, or a sudden compulsion to bury your face in her collarbone?
Because some of those symptoms -- for many people -- are kind of a younger-days thing. As we age and learn, fewer people are going to set off those bells; some of us even come to realize that the people who most rattle us in that way are actually people we shouldn't be dating.
I ended up being quite happy with a woman who set off only very mild sparks when we met, but with whom I feel safe, respected, and trusted. And getting to those mild sparks took several dates not quite four , despite her objective intelligence and handsomeness.
Three years later, there's plenty of collarbone nuzzlin', etc. What "sparks" mean to you, and the weight you want to give them, are ultimately not things that can be decided by internet opinion.
Or there's no chemistry? No chemistry after one date -- okay, try again. But no chemistry after four dates -- stop wasting your time. Unless, I mean, is the problem here that you haven't held hands or kissed or anything? Then okay, go out again and do those things. Nor will anyone I meet.
To me it just isn't a natural setting to get to know someone. It's forced, and I am not myself. I need to go on a hike or get our dogs together or something, to see what happens when our natural personalities come out. How did you meet? How much did you know about each other before you started dating?