Dating an insecure narcissist. 5 Early Warning Signs You're With a Narcissist.



Dating an insecure narcissist

Dating an insecure narcissist

I happily agreed to appear, for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that narcissism happens to be one of my favorite subjects. Early in my training, I had the pleasure of working with one of the foremost authorities on narcissism in our field, and in part because of that experience, I went on to work with quite a few clients who'd been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. That's where I learned that the formal diagnostic label hardly does justice to the richness and complexity of this condition.

The most glaring problems are easy to spot -- the apparent absence of even a shred of empathy, the grandiose plans and posturing, the rage at being called out on the slightest of imperfections or normal human missteps -- but if you get too hung up on the obvious traits, you can easily miss the subtle and often more common features that allow a narcissist to sneak into your life and wreak havoc. Just ask Tina Swithin , who went on to write a book about surviving her experience with a man who clearly meets criteria for NPD and very likely, a few other diagnoses.

To her lovestruck eyes, her soon-to-be husband seemed more like a prince charming than the callous, deceitful spendthrift he later proved to be. Looking back, Tina explains, there were signs of trouble from the start, but they were far from obvious at the time.

In real life, the most dangerous villains rarely advertise their malevolence. So what are we to do? How do we protect ourselves from narcissists if they're so adept at slipping into our lives unnoticed? I shared some of my answers to that question in our conversation, and I encourage you to watch it.

But there were a few I didn't get to, and others I didn't have the chance to describe in depth, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to revisit the topic here. Tread carefully if you catch a glimpse of any of these subtler signs: I don't mean that narcissists see insecurity everywhere. I'm talking about a different kind of projection altogether, akin to playing hot potato with a sense of smallness and deficiency. Narcissists say and do things, subtle or obvious, that make you feel less smart, less accomplished, less competent.

It's as if they're saying, "I don't want to feel this insecure and small; here, you take the feelings. Feelings are a natural consequence of being human, and we tend to have lots of them in the course of normal interactions.

But the very fact of having a feeling in the presence of another person suggests you can be touched emotionally by friends, family, partners, and even the occasional tragedy or failure. Narcissists abhor feeling influenced in any significant way.

It challenges their sense of perfect autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can be affected by someone or something outside of them. So they often change the subject when feelings come up, especially their own, and as quick as they might be to anger, it's often like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they've reached the boiling point -- even when they're in the midst of the most terrifying tirade. Narcissism seems to be born of neglect and abuse, both of which are notorious for creating an insecure attachment style for more on attachment, see here and here.

But the very fact that narcissists, for all their posturing, are deeply insecure, also gives us an easy way to spot them. Insecurely attached people can't talk coherently about their family and childhood; their early memories are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps.

Narcissists often give themselves away precisely because their childhood story makes no sense, and the most common myth they carry around is the perfect family story.

If your date sings their praises for their exalted family but the reasons for their panegyric seem vague or discursive, look out. The devil is in the details, as they say -- and very likely, that's why you're not hearing them. Another common narcissistic tendency you might be less familiar with is the habit of putting people on pedestals. The logic goes a bit like this: And stand back once that happens. Few experiences can prepare you for the vitriol of a suddenly disappointed narcissist.

Look out for any pressure to conform to an image of perfection, no matter how lovely or magical the compulsive flattery might feel. For the same reason narcissists often loathe the subject of feelings, they can't stand to be at the mercy of other people's preferences; it reminds them that they aren't invulnerable or completely independent -- that, in fact, they might have to ask for what they want -- and even worse, people may not feel like meeting the request.

Rather than express needs or preferences themselves, they often arrange events and maneuver people to orchestrate the outcomes they desire. In the extreme form, this can manifest as abusive, controlling behaviors. Think of the man who berates his wife when dinner isn't ready as soon as he comes home.

He lashes out precisely because at that very moment, he's forced to acknowledge that he depends on his wife, something he'd rather avoid. But as with most of these red flags, the efforts at control are often far subtler than outright abuse. Be on the look out for anyone who leaves you feeling nervous about approaching certain topics or sharing your own preferences.

Narcissists have a way of making choices feel off-limits without expressing any anger at all -- a disapproving wince, a last-minute call to preempt the plans, chronic lateness whenever you're in charge of arranging a night together. It's more like a war of attrition on your will than an outright assault on your freedom. None of these signs, in isolation, proves that you're with a narcissist.

But if you see a lot of them, it's best to sit up and take notice. They're all way of dodging vulnerability, and that's a narcissist's favorite tactic. If you like my posts, let me know! Let's connect on facebook and twitter. I frequently respond to comments and questions there. And feel free to check out www. For more by Dr. Craig Malkin, click here.

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10 signs of an insecure man



Dating an insecure narcissist

I happily agreed to appear, for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that narcissism happens to be one of my favorite subjects. Early in my training, I had the pleasure of working with one of the foremost authorities on narcissism in our field, and in part because of that experience, I went on to work with quite a few clients who'd been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.

That's where I learned that the formal diagnostic label hardly does justice to the richness and complexity of this condition. The most glaring problems are easy to spot -- the apparent absence of even a shred of empathy, the grandiose plans and posturing, the rage at being called out on the slightest of imperfections or normal human missteps -- but if you get too hung up on the obvious traits, you can easily miss the subtle and often more common features that allow a narcissist to sneak into your life and wreak havoc.

Just ask Tina Swithin , who went on to write a book about surviving her experience with a man who clearly meets criteria for NPD and very likely, a few other diagnoses.

To her lovestruck eyes, her soon-to-be husband seemed more like a prince charming than the callous, deceitful spendthrift he later proved to be. Looking back, Tina explains, there were signs of trouble from the start, but they were far from obvious at the time. In real life, the most dangerous villains rarely advertise their malevolence. So what are we to do? How do we protect ourselves from narcissists if they're so adept at slipping into our lives unnoticed?

I shared some of my answers to that question in our conversation, and I encourage you to watch it. But there were a few I didn't get to, and others I didn't have the chance to describe in depth, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to revisit the topic here.

Tread carefully if you catch a glimpse of any of these subtler signs: I don't mean that narcissists see insecurity everywhere. I'm talking about a different kind of projection altogether, akin to playing hot potato with a sense of smallness and deficiency.

Narcissists say and do things, subtle or obvious, that make you feel less smart, less accomplished, less competent. It's as if they're saying, "I don't want to feel this insecure and small; here, you take the feelings. Feelings are a natural consequence of being human, and we tend to have lots of them in the course of normal interactions.

But the very fact of having a feeling in the presence of another person suggests you can be touched emotionally by friends, family, partners, and even the occasional tragedy or failure. Narcissists abhor feeling influenced in any significant way.

It challenges their sense of perfect autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can be affected by someone or something outside of them. So they often change the subject when feelings come up, especially their own, and as quick as they might be to anger, it's often like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they've reached the boiling point -- even when they're in the midst of the most terrifying tirade.

Narcissism seems to be born of neglect and abuse, both of which are notorious for creating an insecure attachment style for more on attachment, see here and here. But the very fact that narcissists, for all their posturing, are deeply insecure, also gives us an easy way to spot them. Insecurely attached people can't talk coherently about their family and childhood; their early memories are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps.

Narcissists often give themselves away precisely because their childhood story makes no sense, and the most common myth they carry around is the perfect family story. If your date sings their praises for their exalted family but the reasons for their panegyric seem vague or discursive, look out. The devil is in the details, as they say -- and very likely, that's why you're not hearing them.

Another common narcissistic tendency you might be less familiar with is the habit of putting people on pedestals. The logic goes a bit like this: And stand back once that happens. Few experiences can prepare you for the vitriol of a suddenly disappointed narcissist. Look out for any pressure to conform to an image of perfection, no matter how lovely or magical the compulsive flattery might feel.

For the same reason narcissists often loathe the subject of feelings, they can't stand to be at the mercy of other people's preferences; it reminds them that they aren't invulnerable or completely independent -- that, in fact, they might have to ask for what they want -- and even worse, people may not feel like meeting the request. Rather than express needs or preferences themselves, they often arrange events and maneuver people to orchestrate the outcomes they desire.

In the extreme form, this can manifest as abusive, controlling behaviors. Think of the man who berates his wife when dinner isn't ready as soon as he comes home. He lashes out precisely because at that very moment, he's forced to acknowledge that he depends on his wife, something he'd rather avoid. But as with most of these red flags, the efforts at control are often far subtler than outright abuse. Be on the look out for anyone who leaves you feeling nervous about approaching certain topics or sharing your own preferences.

Narcissists have a way of making choices feel off-limits without expressing any anger at all -- a disapproving wince, a last-minute call to preempt the plans, chronic lateness whenever you're in charge of arranging a night together. It's more like a war of attrition on your will than an outright assault on your freedom. None of these signs, in isolation, proves that you're with a narcissist. But if you see a lot of them, it's best to sit up and take notice.

They're all way of dodging vulnerability, and that's a narcissist's favorite tactic. If you like my posts, let me know! Let's connect on facebook and twitter. I frequently respond to comments and questions there. And feel free to check out www. For more by Dr.

Craig Malkin, click here.

Dating an insecure narcissist

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5 Comments

  1. Not because you want another person to accept you, but so you can accept yourself. Still, the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa recently examined just how much flirting, cheating and even simply talking about other attractive people factored into narcissistic coupling. That's where I learned that the formal diagnostic label hardly does justice to the richness and complexity of this condition.

  2. According to Wendy Behary, author of Disarming the Narcissist, there are basically two paths to developing narcissism. In the beginning stages of your initial interactions with them, they may appear to be timid on any number of topics ranging from physical appearance, athleticism, to social interactive skills. I don't mean that narcissists see insecurity everywhere.

  3. But the very fact of having a feeling in the presence of another person suggests you can be touched emotionally by friends, family, partners, and even the occasional tragedy or failure.

  4. Early in my training, I had the pleasure of working with one of the foremost authorities on narcissism in our field, and in part because of that experience, I went on to work with quite a few clients who'd been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. He lashes out precisely because at that very moment, he's forced to acknowledge that he depends on his wife, something he'd rather avoid. However, if there's violence, they must end things in order to seek safety.

  5. So they often change the subject when feelings come up, especially their own, and as quick as they might be to anger, it's often like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they've reached the boiling point -- even when they're in the midst of the most terrifying tirade. Opposingly I will always have a sympathetic heart for those people who have genuine insecurities, but I am not talking to those people.

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