February 6, The Next Guy: Grieving the loss of a love relationship can be a painful experience. Grieving and letting go of an abusive relationship and an abusive wife or girlfriend is frequently a far more painful and difficult experience.
There are several reasons for this. At the end of an otherwise healthy relationship between two reasonable, rational adults, the former partners are typically able to give one another closure. Abusive women and men, especially personality disordered women and men Sociopaths, Narcissists, Borderlines, Histrionics, High-Conflict People — henceforth known as Crazy do not do closure. It is also difficult to let go of Crazy because of the high degree of ambiguity this kind of relationship creates.
Did she ever really love you? Was any of it real? Will she be different with the next guy? What if you had hung in there? This type of woman repeats the same behaviors over and over again in her relationships.
She has a script in her head that she force fits new partners into whether they like it or not. This phenomenon is described in Crazy Bitch the Musical! When Crazy seeks to replace you, she will usually: Men like this will take a number and eagerly queue up for their fair share of abuse. Some find Shrink4Men and other similar resources.
Sometimes, this manifests in the classic narcissist-borderline pairing, which actually works. Better to let two disordered people cannibalize each other instead of inflicting their abuse on the rest of the population. They deserve one another and you deserve much, much better.
The only wrinkle is if you share children with Crazy. Then you have two selfish, destructive, immature jerks to contend with while trying to nurture and protect your kids. Downgrade Boyfriends are the guys who stand by and do nothing when Crazy abuses the children or willingly become her enforcer. These are the guys who do nothing when your ex denies you custody time.
These are the guys who are unemployed or underemployed and move in with your ex and sponge off of your alimony and child support monies. These are the guys who buy gifts for your kids with your child support money and then tell your kids that you are the deadbeat. Wonderful only has a part-time job. She used to tell me I was a stupid, pathetic loser, but Mr. She used to accuse me of being an alcoholic because I enjoyed a couple of beers on weekends, but Mr. Wonderful is known as the town bar fly.
You did your best to be the man Crazy claims she wants you to be and then she pairs up with the kind of man she claims to not want. This is frequently a post-divorce WTF moment for many men. Remember, Crazy is crazy and actions speak louder than words.
More often than not, the truth lies in what Crazy does, not what she says. The more you improve yourself, the more you act with integrity, the healthier you become, the more Crazy devalues and abuses you.
You basically get punished for being a good person and giving Crazy exactly what she says she wants. Partners act as mirrors for one another. This is one of the reasons water seeks its own level and birds of a feather flock together. When you are a fundamentally decent, kind, hardworking person, you make Crazy look bad in comparison. She resents your good qualities because, on some level, she knows she does not possess them — whether she can admit this to herself or not — and she begins to resent and hate you for it.
If Crazy cannot possess your good qualities, she will try to bring you down to her level by provoking and baiting you e. Crazy wants to be enabled. Crazy wants you to put up with her shit and clean up her messes and thank her for the privilege of letting you do so.
Crazy truly married the anti-Jack. When Crazy met him, he was still a kid, stupid, naive and she made it her full-time job to emasculate him and keep him groveling to her. She was really good at it, but instead of letting her have control of everything, he just disconnected from her emotionally and withdrew. So, she pursued Drunko, a man who was already in many ways broken. Not because he was beaten down by anything, because he chose a life path that was revolting and he liked being a creep.
She could also be revolting and wicked with him and never be judged. Jack always will be a person to tell others that they need to get right with whatever higher power the believe in. Believe how you want, but live your values. Jack will not participate in things he believes are wrong.
I personally think Drunko is physically repulsive, he looks worse as the years progress and he buries himself deeper into this mentally ill life he shares with Crazy. Is your behavior consistent in your relationships? Having integrity, honor and strength of character is a liability with Crazy and so is kindness, generosity and a sense of fair play.
Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise.
She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information. Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy?