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Frequency of communication during dating

Frequency of communication during dating

All I ask is an email, damn it! April 19, 5: I'd love some perspective. I've been dating a guy for two months now who seems very into me when we're together but just doesn't contact me so much when we're apart.

We go a day and a half with no contact sometimes. Those of you who think, "What?!? We see each other every five days or so usually together for a couple of days straight , but almost no weekday hanging out. If I text, he texts back, but sometimes he just doesn't answer my emails. Apart from this, he's great. I have a fun time with him. I've met his sisters, friends, parents. But for some reason, no matter how hard I try, I can't squash my discomfort over the incommunicado periods.

I've mentioned it to him maybe not very articulately but I've mentioned it twice now and he seems to hear me but I'm getting the feeling it's just the way he rolls and I can't expect him to change. So, I'm figuring out if I can live with it. I WANT to be able to live with it, but the periods of silence make me feel unliked, and uncertain of his feelings. I know that's irrational I mean, hours! I go that long without talking to my bestie!

But nobody else I know and nobody I've dated operates the way he does. This is a bewildering first for me. I'm hoping maybe the awesome people of AskMeFi who've encountered this or who ARE this way can help me understand an alternate reasoning to his behavior than "He's just not into you," which I admit is ringing through my brain though it makes no sense in any other aspect of his behavior.

Possibly relevant details - we're long out of college, and I have tons going on in my life: Going 36 hours without talking to someone is the same as going 12 hours without talking to them, except you do it three times in a row and probably sleep during some of it. There's nothing magical that happens after 12 or 24 or 36 hours where the other person forgets about you or stops liking you. If you have fun together and he's integrating you into his social life, that's a sign that he likes you.

However, you need to decide whether this is something you can live with. Because he knows how you feel about it, and he's not changing, so it's likely that it will always be this way with him. If it's going to make you crazy forever, it may be a sign that this just isn't the right relationship for the two of you. Let me reframe it: Actually, that seems entirely possible.

You just want a certain thing from your relationship, and the person you're dating doesn't want the same thing. It could reflect his level of interest, but given the information you've presented, I would say that it most likely does not reflect his level of interest as much as it reflects his communication style and personality. So the options are: It sounds as though he's rejected 2, and I think you should reject 3 to avoid making everyone miserable.

So your choice is between 1 and 4, and you need to figure out whether 1 is possible for you. I'm one of those people who are all, "huh? But the key is that we are BOTH like that, so it doesn't bug either of us. It sounds like you need someone who feels the same way about contact as you do. I don't feel this need. I am very interested in the person I am dating.

So, at best, you've seen him 10 to 15 or so times? I don't think there's anything out of the ordinary in you contact each other every couple of days or so. But really, this is the kind of thing that if you feel uncomfortable about, you just need to talk to him about it.

If I were him, I'd have no inkling that talking to someone I had been out with times or two months, however you want to measure it that talking every few days was causing my new friend concern. Here's my take on it: One of us will call the other and we'll have a great time. Things are slipping through the cracks left and right and unfortunately you're one of those things. I swear it wasn't intentional, and I'll make it up to you as soon as I can.

I really can't be bothered. That pretty much mellowed as I grew older and, I suspect, my hormones settled down a bit. He just has a different communication style than you. I deal with this myself by giving the person space, but checking in on them once on a while. You can try to contact them a few times a week before seeing each other.

You can send him a text message on your way home after the weekend. But, realize that a lack of response doesn't mean he doesn't care for you. He probably appreciated the text message but wants his privacy and alone time. Nothing wrong with that just as long as you are getting what you want from the relationship too. It was all anticipated and she warned me ahead of time that we might not be able to hang out as much as we have been. I told her that I completely understood and that I would appreciate short "hey, miss you!

The key here is communication. Those short texts are enough for me and my girlfriend is more than willing to accomodate that. There's nothing necessarily wrong with wanting daily contact with your partner.

Check in with them to see what they want. As one of these people, I'm just not a phone-talker. Even with my parents who I love so very, very much. We talk maybe 10 minutes once a week although they're the same way, so it works out fine. I talk to my friends maybe once a month if they live far away Luckily, they know and love me anyhow. For me, two months of dating doesn't seem suuuuuper-long; I would probably text someone I'd been seeing this long every other day or so, maybe post something to their Facebook or Twitter, and chat every days.

I think the big thing for me at least so grain of salt is that I only feel like talking if I think I have something super interesting to say. While I am happy to listen to my friends natter on about whatever they want to talk about, I'm not going to reach out to do the same; I'm going to wait until I have something substantial to report.

I used to only call her every few days until she let me know she was feeling disconnected started acting crazy. You might have an incompatibility in this area, you just have to decide how important it is. There are compromises that can be made, but demanding that someone change what their comfortable with to soothe your irrational fears or OCD is not usually going to work out.

It drove me wild. He's a uni-tasker and has the good fortune to be able to concentrate on what he's doing for long stretches of time. This means that a couple of days could pass without contact simply because he was absorbed in work. He also didn't like to talk if he wasn't feeling tip-top, being unwilling to have a conversation in which he be grousing about work or tired. The upside to this kind of personality is that when he was with me, he was totally focused on me--turned off his phone and email, etc.

I squashed my urge to say "hey, I need more contact than this," because I thought, I can't make someone want to talk to me more frequently. This gradually changed as our relationship progressed around the six-month mark and we became more enmeshed in each other's daily lives.

Now we spend every freaking minute together. It's a combination of 1 being independent and just not thinking to check in because I'm absorbed with xyz and 2 not wanting to waste the other person's time with random boring clutter that might make them tired of hearing from me. So I save up and only contact if I have something reasonably interesting. Maybe he's just trying to spare you what he considers boring humdrum details beneath your interest. I dated someone for a couple of years who would go incommunicado for several days at a time, both early on and later in the relationship.

While I eventually came to the point where I expected it, I ultimately realized that I couldn't handle it. I found myself wanting someone who was going to communicate both when he wanted to and when I wanted to.

Give and take, etc. If not, you're not the only one. That would be an intense level of communication for me. If he's initiating communication reliably and being solid about plans, I'd relax. If you're doing all the work to make contact, I'd back off a bit and let him take the initiative to contact you at least part of the time. Otherwise you may accidently train him to think that communication initiation is your domain, and thus not bother with his end.

As the relationship progresses he will learn more about you your comfort level and interests , and you may get more pings from him that are targeted in nature. He may not send you a half dozen random funny jokes, but a single specific funny joke about your favorite animal, for instance, because it's more special to you.

I would tell him explicitly that it would make you really happy if he'd send you some quick texts during the week, just to say "hi" or "Looking forward to Friday" or "beautiful day, isn't it? Two months in, I'd imagine he'd be excited to know that something so simple would make someone he's interested in really happy Personally, I think that not answering your emails is kind of rude, and I'd be worried that it signals a lack of awareness or consideration of your feelings.

That's different than whether he's interested in you, which seems to be what you're looking for evidence of.

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Frequency of communication during dating

All I ask is an email, damn it! April 19, 5: I'd love some perspective. I've been dating a guy for two months now who seems very into me when we're together but just doesn't contact me so much when we're apart. We go a day and a half with no contact sometimes. Those of you who think, "What?!?

We see each other every five days or so usually together for a couple of days straight , but almost no weekday hanging out. If I text, he texts back, but sometimes he just doesn't answer my emails. Apart from this, he's great. I have a fun time with him. I've met his sisters, friends, parents. But for some reason, no matter how hard I try, I can't squash my discomfort over the incommunicado periods.

I've mentioned it to him maybe not very articulately but I've mentioned it twice now and he seems to hear me but I'm getting the feeling it's just the way he rolls and I can't expect him to change.

So, I'm figuring out if I can live with it. I WANT to be able to live with it, but the periods of silence make me feel unliked, and uncertain of his feelings.

I know that's irrational I mean, hours! I go that long without talking to my bestie! But nobody else I know and nobody I've dated operates the way he does. This is a bewildering first for me. I'm hoping maybe the awesome people of AskMeFi who've encountered this or who ARE this way can help me understand an alternate reasoning to his behavior than "He's just not into you," which I admit is ringing through my brain though it makes no sense in any other aspect of his behavior.

Possibly relevant details - we're long out of college, and I have tons going on in my life: Going 36 hours without talking to someone is the same as going 12 hours without talking to them, except you do it three times in a row and probably sleep during some of it. There's nothing magical that happens after 12 or 24 or 36 hours where the other person forgets about you or stops liking you.

If you have fun together and he's integrating you into his social life, that's a sign that he likes you. However, you need to decide whether this is something you can live with. Because he knows how you feel about it, and he's not changing, so it's likely that it will always be this way with him. If it's going to make you crazy forever, it may be a sign that this just isn't the right relationship for the two of you. Let me reframe it: Actually, that seems entirely possible.

You just want a certain thing from your relationship, and the person you're dating doesn't want the same thing. It could reflect his level of interest, but given the information you've presented, I would say that it most likely does not reflect his level of interest as much as it reflects his communication style and personality.

So the options are: It sounds as though he's rejected 2, and I think you should reject 3 to avoid making everyone miserable. So your choice is between 1 and 4, and you need to figure out whether 1 is possible for you. I'm one of those people who are all, "huh? But the key is that we are BOTH like that, so it doesn't bug either of us. It sounds like you need someone who feels the same way about contact as you do. I don't feel this need.

I am very interested in the person I am dating. So, at best, you've seen him 10 to 15 or so times? I don't think there's anything out of the ordinary in you contact each other every couple of days or so. But really, this is the kind of thing that if you feel uncomfortable about, you just need to talk to him about it. If I were him, I'd have no inkling that talking to someone I had been out with times or two months, however you want to measure it that talking every few days was causing my new friend concern.

Here's my take on it: One of us will call the other and we'll have a great time. Things are slipping through the cracks left and right and unfortunately you're one of those things. I swear it wasn't intentional, and I'll make it up to you as soon as I can.

I really can't be bothered. That pretty much mellowed as I grew older and, I suspect, my hormones settled down a bit. He just has a different communication style than you. I deal with this myself by giving the person space, but checking in on them once on a while.

You can try to contact them a few times a week before seeing each other. You can send him a text message on your way home after the weekend. But, realize that a lack of response doesn't mean he doesn't care for you. He probably appreciated the text message but wants his privacy and alone time.

Nothing wrong with that just as long as you are getting what you want from the relationship too. It was all anticipated and she warned me ahead of time that we might not be able to hang out as much as we have been. I told her that I completely understood and that I would appreciate short "hey, miss you! The key here is communication. Those short texts are enough for me and my girlfriend is more than willing to accomodate that.

There's nothing necessarily wrong with wanting daily contact with your partner. Check in with them to see what they want. As one of these people, I'm just not a phone-talker. Even with my parents who I love so very, very much. We talk maybe 10 minutes once a week although they're the same way, so it works out fine. I talk to my friends maybe once a month if they live far away Luckily, they know and love me anyhow. For me, two months of dating doesn't seem suuuuuper-long; I would probably text someone I'd been seeing this long every other day or so, maybe post something to their Facebook or Twitter, and chat every days.

I think the big thing for me at least so grain of salt is that I only feel like talking if I think I have something super interesting to say. While I am happy to listen to my friends natter on about whatever they want to talk about, I'm not going to reach out to do the same; I'm going to wait until I have something substantial to report. I used to only call her every few days until she let me know she was feeling disconnected started acting crazy.

You might have an incompatibility in this area, you just have to decide how important it is. There are compromises that can be made, but demanding that someone change what their comfortable with to soothe your irrational fears or OCD is not usually going to work out.

It drove me wild. He's a uni-tasker and has the good fortune to be able to concentrate on what he's doing for long stretches of time. This means that a couple of days could pass without contact simply because he was absorbed in work.

He also didn't like to talk if he wasn't feeling tip-top, being unwilling to have a conversation in which he be grousing about work or tired. The upside to this kind of personality is that when he was with me, he was totally focused on me--turned off his phone and email, etc. I squashed my urge to say "hey, I need more contact than this," because I thought, I can't make someone want to talk to me more frequently. This gradually changed as our relationship progressed around the six-month mark and we became more enmeshed in each other's daily lives.

Now we spend every freaking minute together. It's a combination of 1 being independent and just not thinking to check in because I'm absorbed with xyz and 2 not wanting to waste the other person's time with random boring clutter that might make them tired of hearing from me.

So I save up and only contact if I have something reasonably interesting. Maybe he's just trying to spare you what he considers boring humdrum details beneath your interest. I dated someone for a couple of years who would go incommunicado for several days at a time, both early on and later in the relationship. While I eventually came to the point where I expected it, I ultimately realized that I couldn't handle it.

I found myself wanting someone who was going to communicate both when he wanted to and when I wanted to. Give and take, etc. If not, you're not the only one. That would be an intense level of communication for me. If he's initiating communication reliably and being solid about plans, I'd relax. If you're doing all the work to make contact, I'd back off a bit and let him take the initiative to contact you at least part of the time. Otherwise you may accidently train him to think that communication initiation is your domain, and thus not bother with his end.

As the relationship progresses he will learn more about you your comfort level and interests , and you may get more pings from him that are targeted in nature. He may not send you a half dozen random funny jokes, but a single specific funny joke about your favorite animal, for instance, because it's more special to you. I would tell him explicitly that it would make you really happy if he'd send you some quick texts during the week, just to say "hi" or "Looking forward to Friday" or "beautiful day, isn't it?

Two months in, I'd imagine he'd be excited to know that something so simple would make someone he's interested in really happy Personally, I think that not answering your emails is kind of rude, and I'd be worried that it signals a lack of awareness or consideration of your feelings.

That's different than whether he's interested in you, which seems to be what you're looking for evidence of.

Frequency of communication during dating

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4 Comments

  1. Also I am horrible horrible horrible about returning casual social emails. I called her the next day and two days later she didn't respond and I may have jumped the gun texted her saying I didn't expect an immediate response but was wondering what's up and told her to be honest I won't be mad and wouldn't call anymore. We talk maybe 10 minutes once a week although they're the same way, so it works out fine.

  2. That ain't a crime, but - here it comes - you need to communicate about it. So, I dealt with a lot of anxiety and misery.

  3. When he was leaving Saturday, he asked spontaneously whether I wanted to hang on Sunday.

  4. Have you tried just calling this dude whenever you feel like talking to him? So, I'm figuring out if I can live with it. One question to consider might be "does this bug you because a you want conversation, or b because you think it means he's not into you?

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