So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. Having sex is like playing bridge. War does not determine who is right — only who is left. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. This video is depressing, but reminds us that Facebook statuses can be lies A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. God must love stupid people. He made SO many. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Some cause happiness wherever they go.
Others whenever they go. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. When in doubt, mumble. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila. I used to be indecisive. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. I sit and look at it for hours. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I enjoy every minute of it. Children seldom misquote you. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer…oh wait, he does. You have a perception problem. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children. The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste. Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them? Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button. We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. The difference between in-laws and outlaws? You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.