There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage. The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility. A common myth is that the duration of a courtship is an accurate enough measure of how compatible two people are. The logic follows that the longer you speak with someone, the better you will know them.
This includes going out to dinner, watching a movie, playing some sport or other leisure activity, etc. Unfortunately, for many, the answer is never and they live to suffer the consequences. Oftentimes men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers marrying a man she hopes she can change. This is the wrong approach on both accounts. There is no guarantee, after all, that those changes will be for the better.
These differences can include a number of things such as ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc. While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes them both. The humble person never makes demands of people but rather always does right by them. They put their values and principles above convenience and comfort.
They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid materialism. The kind person is the quintessential giver. They seek to please and minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a giver, observe how they treat their family, siblings, and parents. If not, then know that they will never appreciate what you do for them. How do they spend their money? A responsible person has stability in their finances, relationships, job, and character. You can you rely on this person and trust what they say. A happy person is content with their portion in life.
They feel good about themselves and good about their life. They very rarely complain. Both men and women have emotional needs and in order for a partnership to be successful those needs must be mutually met. The fundamental emotional need of a woman is to be loved. The fundamental emotional need of a man is to be respected and appreciated. To make a woman feel loved give her the three AAAs: To make a man feel loved give him the three RRRs: It is the obligation of each partner to make sure the other is happy and this extends to intimacy as well.
As long as each partner is fulfilled by the emotional needs of the other, the intimate relationship will thrive. When a man takes seriously the emotional needs of his wife she will feel more encouraged to fulfill his sexual desires.
Likewise, when a woman takes seriously the emotional needs of her husband he will feel more encouraged to give her the affection, love and appreciation she wants from him. Working together in this way encourages both giving and receiving.
In marriage you can either grow together or grow apart. Sharing a common purpose in life will increase the chance that you will grow together.
You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they ultimately passionate about? Remember, before you decide who to take along on a trip, you should first figure out your destination. Recognize that there is incredible wisdom in why God has ordered us to refrain from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great harms as well as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a relationship between a man and a woman. Aside from the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship gets physical before its time, important issues like character, life philosophy, and compatibility go to the wayside.
Consequently, everything is romanticized and it becomes difficult to even remember the important issues let alone talk about them. Intellectual commitment must be established before emotional or sexual commitment.
There are four questions that you must answer YES to: Do I respect and admire this person? What specifically do I respect and admire about this person? Do I trust this person? Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself? Do I feel calm and at peace with this person? Feeling emotionally safe is the foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. Learn how to identify whether you are in an abusive relationship. Look for the following things: Know the difference between suggestions and demands.
Demands are an expression of control and if the demands are implied, than you must do it or there will be consequences. All of these are clear indications of abusive personalities.
This is someone who raises their voice on a regular basis, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses anger against you, uses put downs, and curses at you, etc. Many people who tolerate this behavior usually come from abusive backgrounds. If this is the case with you or someone you know, get help right away. Deal with those issues before getting married or before even thinking about getting married.
Many couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table for discussion from the onset. Then you must have an honest discussion about them.
This is a great way to test the strength of your relationship. Also important is being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep questions of each other and see how your partner responds. How do they handle it? Do they get annoyed? Do they blame you? Do they ignore it? Do they hide or rationalize it?
People fail to realize that if they are unhappy as a single person, they will continue to be miserable when they are married. Many people choose partners that are not emotionally healthy or available.
One huge problem is when a partner is unable to balance the emotional ties to family members, the marriage ends up having 3 or more people in it rather than two. An example of this would be if a man is overly dependent on his mother and brings that relationship into the marriage; this is no doubt a recipe for disaster.
Also important to consider are the following: Avoid people who are emotionally empty inside. They are always preoccupied with their deficiencies, insecurities, and negative thoughts.
They are in a perpetual fight with depression, never feel good, are isolated, are critical and judgmental; tend to not have any close friends, and often distrust people or are afraid of them.
These people can not be emotionally available to build healthy relationships. Addictions can also limit the level of availability of the partner to build a strong emotional relationship. Never marry an addict. Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol. They can be about addictions and dependency on work, internet, hobbies, sports, shopping, money, power, status, materialism, etc.
When someone has an addiction, they will not and can not be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with you! Additional Points to Consider: The fact is no one looks 25 forever. Ultimately, we love the person we marry for more than their appearance. Once we find someone, we consciously or subconsciously want so badly for it all to work that we decide not to question or see what is clearly in front of our eyes: Asking clear questions can clarify this.
Giving in a happy marriage should not be confused with martyrdom. It should be about taking pleasure and seeing the other person as happy because of your connection with them.