Online dating im asking all the questions. Modern Love Long Distance.



Online dating im asking all the questions

Online dating im asking all the questions

People tend to ask and get asked the same dull questions over and over in early dating. Personally it turns me off being on the receiving end of that. I don't want to explain what I do for fun or where I work for the umpteenth time, I want to talk to someone who entertains me. Personally I like to sidestep that by going full anecdote. Instead of "hey, how was your day? A fun story prompts follow ups and encourages the other person to share fun stories in return.

So if it's not this one guy, and you're often encountering these less than loquacious fellows, you should change your approach.

Just try not to read too much into it. In writing, they are curt and don't express their feelings very much, whereas in person they will go on about something and flow with conversation. That being said, when you're getting to know a stranger online in written communication, it's common sense that you have to make some effort.

If you're getting curt replies without any follow-up questions or even some details or a joke, then the guy is probably a dud who doesn't have much to say, or lacks basic social skills. I would try to not stick with online communication too long, but if you can't get past "hello" without getting anything to work with, then I think it's a waste of time.

I have had ZERO luck online dating, but I do have many male friends who are horrible at emails a one-line response five days later but very good at conversational back and forth. Don't forget that you can also get the insecure types who are desperate to hide their interest! But the thing is, it's dating - you're there to make a connection. I would cut my losses if I were you. Online dating is notorious for flakers and no-shows. It could be worse.

I've been stood up by dates on OkCupid when I tried it years ago. At least these guys have the decency to stand you up in text. So you could read the one line back as 'uninterested but I don't want to look like I never respond to people in case that puts other people off contacting me'. My theory is that there are many people who now only access the site through their phone, and treat the site's email feature like text message. It's annoying and possibly an indication that when the acquaintance progresses they're going to except to have those pointless text 'conversations' rather than actual conversations so I gladly move on from these people.

I've gotten this a few times I don't send a lot of messages because I've just never had much luck initiating on ok cupid and my gut reaction was always the guy wasn't particularly interested but was being polite. Guys don't get tons of messages like women so I think most have not had to adopt the somewhat cutthroat approach women do of generally only replying very selectively in order to make the sheer volume of spammy messages manageable. It didn't want to be rude. I got it not infrequently from guys I messaged and it never went anywhere with any of them.

I wouldn't wase your time with them. I used to do this on okcupid I'm female, though. What it meant when I did it is that the person's profile had enough in it that made me want to write back, but that I really hate the common conversation format of online dating messages and just couldn't bear to do it: Did a person really have to know how long I'd been kickboxing to know whether he wanted to meet me? Instead of asking questions, have you considered just sending some sincere comments and a request for a date?

Like "I noticed you listed x, y, and z as things you like. I like them too. I laughed at the part of your profile that said x. Would you like to meet up for a drink? In my profile, I wrote that I was the only girl on okcupid that seemed to prefer short men to tall men, and that I prefer intense people to "laid back" people. He wrote to me that he was short and not the least bit laid back, so would I like to go for a drink sometime, and to this day, we joke that this pretty much sums him up as a person posted by millipede at 6: When you message a guy first, and get a short answer, nthing that this is most likely "polite disinterest.

If they were interested there would be more of an attempt at starting a conversation by asking you questions in return, or mentioning something in your profile, so on and so forth. And seconding whoaali in that us guys tend to not get inundated with messages or horrible reactions to expressions of polite disinterest , so sending a politely disinterested reply isn't much of an effort, generally.

I suppose you could take another look at their profile to see if you think it might possibly be worth taking another whack at the conversation, but if you would rather just figure, "Nah, this guy is a dud" and move on, I don't think anyone here could say you're doing it wrong. Alternatively, I could easily imagine that some people have poor social skills, aren't really used to the norms of online dating messaging, or just disagree with that style of conversation. I'd strongly suspect that this group is smaller than the first, but you could theoretically miss a gem if you ignore it.

If you want to take a chance on them, you could just ask them out directly as soon as conversation stagnates like that. The only downsides are a decent chance of rejection and wasting your time meeting someone who might not be that interested, but if you're fine with that, why not?

When a guy is interested he would ask more questions or ask to meet right away. Hold out for a dude who is like, "Wow, a hot lady just messaged me!

I want to get to know her further. Let me ask a follow up question. If we hadn't jumped straight to meeting after 2 or 3 short messages, and had started texting or something first, I would have thought he is the most boring person on the face of the planet. In general, my goal in online dating is to meet them in person as soon as possible -- that's how you know if there is anything really there. Even my initial contact messages have a question or two to try and spark some interest.

It's rare that I hear back though and I've been told to be less talkative, but it just seems to me that being short-answered is a death knell for online dating. Maybe the intent is to sound too cool for school, but I think that reads as being bored or disinterested. I have tend to "chat" and not send long email style replies. I had no idea it was expected that one would write out long replies.

I always guessed that long replies and detailed messages would come off as too eger or trying too hard. And then there's the fact I try to talk with someone first before asking for the date.

I assume that's the prefers thing since so many joke about the "you're hot wanna fuck? All of this explains my frustration with online dating. I feel like I'm good at conversation, but have no idea on how to pick up on social cues in chat.

And now I know there are unstated social standards for messaging. Why do they present it as a chat interface then? Most people will rightly abandon anything that drags out slowly for weeks without meeting.

I don't consider a long initial message to be too eager. If anything it shows that the guy isn't mass messaging people and has actually read my profile. If you send a thoughtful email and have a good profile, then asking someone out after the second or third message is totally fine. You want to avoid becoming penpals and building up expectations, which inevitably happens when you have a prolonged exchange.

Usually if people want to chat they exchange numbers and text. I find talking on the phone to a stranger to be super awkward, but that may be more a matter of my personal preference. Metaphors similar to this one?

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WHY YOU ASKING ALL THEM QUESTIONS? - @SpokenReasons - #FCHW



Online dating im asking all the questions

People tend to ask and get asked the same dull questions over and over in early dating. Personally it turns me off being on the receiving end of that. I don't want to explain what I do for fun or where I work for the umpteenth time, I want to talk to someone who entertains me.

Personally I like to sidestep that by going full anecdote. Instead of "hey, how was your day? A fun story prompts follow ups and encourages the other person to share fun stories in return. So if it's not this one guy, and you're often encountering these less than loquacious fellows, you should change your approach. Just try not to read too much into it. In writing, they are curt and don't express their feelings very much, whereas in person they will go on about something and flow with conversation.

That being said, when you're getting to know a stranger online in written communication, it's common sense that you have to make some effort. If you're getting curt replies without any follow-up questions or even some details or a joke, then the guy is probably a dud who doesn't have much to say, or lacks basic social skills. I would try to not stick with online communication too long, but if you can't get past "hello" without getting anything to work with, then I think it's a waste of time.

I have had ZERO luck online dating, but I do have many male friends who are horrible at emails a one-line response five days later but very good at conversational back and forth. Don't forget that you can also get the insecure types who are desperate to hide their interest! But the thing is, it's dating - you're there to make a connection. I would cut my losses if I were you.

Online dating is notorious for flakers and no-shows. It could be worse. I've been stood up by dates on OkCupid when I tried it years ago. At least these guys have the decency to stand you up in text. So you could read the one line back as 'uninterested but I don't want to look like I never respond to people in case that puts other people off contacting me'. My theory is that there are many people who now only access the site through their phone, and treat the site's email feature like text message.

It's annoying and possibly an indication that when the acquaintance progresses they're going to except to have those pointless text 'conversations' rather than actual conversations so I gladly move on from these people. I've gotten this a few times I don't send a lot of messages because I've just never had much luck initiating on ok cupid and my gut reaction was always the guy wasn't particularly interested but was being polite. Guys don't get tons of messages like women so I think most have not had to adopt the somewhat cutthroat approach women do of generally only replying very selectively in order to make the sheer volume of spammy messages manageable.

It didn't want to be rude. I got it not infrequently from guys I messaged and it never went anywhere with any of them. I wouldn't wase your time with them. I used to do this on okcupid I'm female, though. What it meant when I did it is that the person's profile had enough in it that made me want to write back, but that I really hate the common conversation format of online dating messages and just couldn't bear to do it: Did a person really have to know how long I'd been kickboxing to know whether he wanted to meet me?

Instead of asking questions, have you considered just sending some sincere comments and a request for a date? Like "I noticed you listed x, y, and z as things you like. I like them too.

I laughed at the part of your profile that said x. Would you like to meet up for a drink? In my profile, I wrote that I was the only girl on okcupid that seemed to prefer short men to tall men, and that I prefer intense people to "laid back" people.

He wrote to me that he was short and not the least bit laid back, so would I like to go for a drink sometime, and to this day, we joke that this pretty much sums him up as a person posted by millipede at 6: When you message a guy first, and get a short answer, nthing that this is most likely "polite disinterest.

If they were interested there would be more of an attempt at starting a conversation by asking you questions in return, or mentioning something in your profile, so on and so forth. And seconding whoaali in that us guys tend to not get inundated with messages or horrible reactions to expressions of polite disinterest , so sending a politely disinterested reply isn't much of an effort, generally. I suppose you could take another look at their profile to see if you think it might possibly be worth taking another whack at the conversation, but if you would rather just figure, "Nah, this guy is a dud" and move on, I don't think anyone here could say you're doing it wrong.

Alternatively, I could easily imagine that some people have poor social skills, aren't really used to the norms of online dating messaging, or just disagree with that style of conversation. I'd strongly suspect that this group is smaller than the first, but you could theoretically miss a gem if you ignore it. If you want to take a chance on them, you could just ask them out directly as soon as conversation stagnates like that. The only downsides are a decent chance of rejection and wasting your time meeting someone who might not be that interested, but if you're fine with that, why not?

When a guy is interested he would ask more questions or ask to meet right away. Hold out for a dude who is like, "Wow, a hot lady just messaged me! I want to get to know her further. Let me ask a follow up question. If we hadn't jumped straight to meeting after 2 or 3 short messages, and had started texting or something first, I would have thought he is the most boring person on the face of the planet. In general, my goal in online dating is to meet them in person as soon as possible -- that's how you know if there is anything really there.

Even my initial contact messages have a question or two to try and spark some interest. It's rare that I hear back though and I've been told to be less talkative, but it just seems to me that being short-answered is a death knell for online dating. Maybe the intent is to sound too cool for school, but I think that reads as being bored or disinterested. I have tend to "chat" and not send long email style replies. I had no idea it was expected that one would write out long replies.

I always guessed that long replies and detailed messages would come off as too eger or trying too hard. And then there's the fact I try to talk with someone first before asking for the date. I assume that's the prefers thing since so many joke about the "you're hot wanna fuck? All of this explains my frustration with online dating. I feel like I'm good at conversation, but have no idea on how to pick up on social cues in chat. And now I know there are unstated social standards for messaging.

Why do they present it as a chat interface then? Most people will rightly abandon anything that drags out slowly for weeks without meeting.

I don't consider a long initial message to be too eager. If anything it shows that the guy isn't mass messaging people and has actually read my profile. If you send a thoughtful email and have a good profile, then asking someone out after the second or third message is totally fine. You want to avoid becoming penpals and building up expectations, which inevitably happens when you have a prolonged exchange.

Usually if people want to chat they exchange numbers and text. I find talking on the phone to a stranger to be super awkward, but that may be more a matter of my personal preference. Metaphors similar to this one?

Online dating im asking all the questions

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5 Comments

  1. So… scientific support for what many of us have known for years — meeting someone online can work. What part of New Jersey has an Oklahoma accent? I know this sounds SO simple.

  2. Maybe the intent is to sound too cool for school, but I think that reads as being bored or disinterested. You spend a lot of time and energy wondering what the other person thinks of you. So there you go… Three key areas to discuss with someone you meet online or someone you are thinking about dating.

  3. Guys don't get tons of messages like women so I think most have not had to adopt the somewhat cutthroat approach women do of generally only replying very selectively in order to make the sheer volume of spammy messages manageable. You can forget to think carefully about whether you might be truly compatible.

  4. So does every other guy on here. Imagine saying that in real life! I once exchanged emails with someone for months and then flew internationally to meet him.

  5. I like Bruce Springsteen! You may be shocked how those same people become a lot more interested and interesting when you give them more to work with. Here are three topic areas to get you started.

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