You may recall from our discussion of learning how to find and follow your intuition that your logical mind is great at analyzing the facts of a situation, but when it comes to major decisions your much better served by a process that allows your WHOLE self to take part. The logical mind can often throw a wrench in the works.
This relationship just feels wrong. But I love this person! There are so many good things about them. I want to leave. I deserve to be in a better relationship. But maybe this will work out?
There are so many things this person adds to my life…. If you were ever in this situation, you probably just kept right on keeping on in that relationship, at least until the next round. Wasted in the sense that there are so many other things you could have been doing with your time — primarily devoting your energy to living the kind of life that you want to live and doing things that FILL YOU UP.
In my coaching work with people , we talk about ways that you can actually take control over this dynamic in your relationship, with exercises that can give you certainty and clarity about how things are going and what kind of potential really exists with your partner. In my experience, the cycles of uncertainty in a bad relationship are ultimately draining.
OK — list interlude. Your partner tells you that you should love them more. Loving someone, in and of itself, should be enough. Your partner is waiting for YOU to change. Ok — you all know that I am a strong believer in our ability to change for the better. Your relationship feels insecure. You or your partner experience lots of jealousy. Trust is one of the key elements in a good relationship. Listen to your intuition, and leave. In a relationship, a certain amount of arguing is normal.
Arguing all the time is NOT normal. Listen, the only way a relationship is going to work is if the two people are able to take care of their own shit. Asking for help every so often is one thing.
Offering your help every so often is great! Do I really need to say anything else about that? You experience your own worst qualities more often than your best qualities. You and your partner are not interested in seeking the highest good for each other. This has to be a two-way street. If not, see 3.
I developed this list by experiencing every one of these items — multiple times, in some cases. Why not stick it out? Why not try to make it better? As I mentioned earlier, it takes TWO people who really are committed to the long process of changing a relationship for the better.
First, let me say that there are LOTS of people out there. You will attract the right people to you — and they will probably be people who are ALSO being true to themselves. It has to do with you, and honoring the way you feel. Even in your moments of fear, fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, fear of hurting another person, you will feel the STRENGTH of acting in accord with the core of your being.
That strength will carry you, will boost you through the turmoil of ending a relationship and re-embarking on your personal journey. When I contemplated ending my last relationship I was frightened…terrified, really. For the reasons listed above, and then some.
Then, one day we were sitting in a couples counseling session after months of conflict. So I just did it, right there. The fear I felt vanished, and I experienced the most profound mix of sadness and joy that I had probably ever felt up until then.
It is, after all, your caring for them as well as your caring for yourself that makes leaving the relationship so important. Do things that make you happy, that make you feel the most connection with who you are and what you came to this planet to do.
And I can tell you that the right relationship will feel right to you, in all respects. Your logical mind might still play its games with you, but your intuition, your heart, will NEVER question the situation. I learned such valuable lessons — but at the same time, when I look back I realize that my own fears often kept me from ending relationships when it would have been appropriate.