Entering the gay dating scene late March 14, 3: Where do I start? I'm in my late 20s and unfortunately, I've never gone on a date before. I've spent the past several years in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I was probably the only gay guy in my age group and so dating was pretty much a foregone conclusion for me. Last year, I decided to go back to school. And so this past fall, I moved to the city to attend a large university.
There's gay people everywhere and it's pretty cool. Even if I'm older than the traditional college student, I still fit in somewhat and made a lot of friends. So I should have gone on a bunch of dates by now, right? Well, that was the plan and unfortunately, with the school year more than halfway over, I haven't gone on a single one.
I can no longer blame living in a rural area as my excuse for not having a boyfriend. I've started thinking about the other issues. The major thing is that I am fat, obese, whatever. This is a major thing. And again, it's a work in progress. I've lost 30 lbs. Needless to say, it's a huge blow to my self-esteem and I have it in my head that no one wants to date a fat guy. It's like why should I even bother? My friends have taken me to a gay club and they coax me into talking with someone I'm interested with, and I make up some silly excuse about why I don't.
But I can't use being fat as an excuse either. I've seen a lot of fat guys who have boyfriends, and not to sound conceited, but I think I'm better looking than they are. Overall, though, I think otherwise. So where do I go from here? I'm not really into the night life what can I say, I'm a nerd and it's not my cup of tea and gay club atmosphere and all that; though it's fun to do once in a while.
And I've attended gay organizations on campus, I feel out of touch with the younger gay men there. Online dating seems to be a disappointment once they see my pic, I don't hear from them again. I'm trying to be less shy, more outgoing. Trying to meet some people. I seem to attract straight women I know, weird and gay men want nothing more than "just friends.
Just tired of being alone I'm 42 and only came out about 3 years ago. But whatever advice you receive from folks that are more knowledgeable, please know that you're not alone and you always have us here at MeFi to support you. Best of luck in your quest! Specifically, is there any LGBT voluntary work you could do? I'm not sure that "dating" is the be-all and end-all of relationship forming. The more you have a working network of gay friends, the easier things will be.
Mostly, it seems to revolve around gay bars. In a big enough city there are different bars for different types. One of the types is fat guys especially hairy fat guys, who are called "bears" and there seems to be a subset of gay guys who really go for that.
Alternatively, it seems the secondary place people try to meet is via online personals, and there are some popular gay sites although I don't remember the names. The advantage is you can filter for all sorts of criteria so you can filter for people who are only looking for men of your body type and age range.
I'm pretty sure there are even sites specifically for big guys. Even if you don't end up meeting someone that way, I think it might help your confidence a little to check out some of those sites because you'll soon realize that not only are there plenty of gay guys who want to date fat guys, but that for some people the extra pounds are what turns them on.
Physical attraction is an important part of any romantic relationship. If you are planning on significantly changing the way you look, it is unfair to date folks who find you attractive as you are and will not want you to change. If you can move into self-acceptance as you are, then online dating is the answer. There are lots of guys looking to date you. But they are prolly not going to gay bars, because there aren't a lot of chubby guys there.
In fact, the mainstream gay scene is so fatophobic that it is unlikely you will find chub chasers in any mainstream gay venue. Also, while "bears" can be fat, the emphasis is on size, hairiness and rough masculinity, not really weight directly, but you probably know that already. Really, dating is the same for straights and gays from one point of view: Getting to know somebody, liking them, having them like you.
My advice would be to relax, try to meet people and be open to others. Friends of mine have had good success going both routes. We all have our likes and dislikes. Physical attraction for most people is a major component of a long-term romantic relationship.
Why not start with a pool of people who are more likely to find you physically attractive? I am a fat gay man, and have been all my adult life. I am very outgoing and have always been very involved in the gay community activism, social groups, etc.
I am currently partnered, and over the last 30 years of my sexual life have had long periods when I was in a committed relationship 10 years and other times when I was single. I have very rarely met a person interested in dating me through the conventional social means you suggest. The number of gay men in any population is small. The number of gay men in a population who are attracted to fat gay men is even smaller. The number of gay men in a population who are attracted to fat gay men, and are specifically attracted to you, and you find attractive, and you like as a person Well, I think you get the idea.
Dating is a numbers game. If you are straight, there are people all around you who you might be able to find mutual attraction with. If you meet the standard definition of attractiveness within the gay world, you can find enough numbers within the gay social scene to find a partner.
If you do not meet that standard definition of attractiveness, online dating allows you to increase your chances of finding a mutual attraction. Why would you call that a fetish? Not all gay men have fashion sense. When you're confident about your beliefs and desires, own them and they are yours, and they are gay. Even if you aren't confident yet, still say to yourself "I'm a gay man, and I'm proud to dress this way" or insert whatever feeling or belief you mistakenly feel isn't a "gay" trait.
Then make it gay simply by owning it. Being different is ok, being yourself is ok. Guys are attracted to confidence and self-assurance.
It make take a little bit of imagination to get yourself thinking in those modes after years of self-doubt, but you owe it to yourself to "own it" and be happy and secure, and radiate that to others. The gay community at large, and the college gay community which in many ways mirrors the college straight community specifically, isn't always structured around dating. Most guys I knew in college were so excited to be around other gay men that they went bedhopping for a period.
Some guys still do it 10 years later. It really is a numbers game, as mentioned above. Do things that interest you. Eventually you'll find one or several that spark with you. And seriously don't give up on the online communities.
That's where I met my partner, and I have no problem going out and meeting people in the traditional club sense. There are just more people online. And listen to kuppajava, it took me forever to realize what he says about stereotypes That's where I met my partner Look, don't worry about getting shot down.
It's going to happen, and it's going to happen a lot. It has nothing to do with your weight, or your fashion sense, or your age, or your attractiveness. It's just a simple fact that there are more people who won't date you than who will - that's true for everyone - and it can take some time to find the ones who will.
Just make sure you're well kempt - you're clean, you've shaved or at least groomed , you smell good, your clothes are clean and not all wrinkled, etc.
And then when your friends try and get you to talk to guys at the bar, just do it. Don't do it to try and get a date, just start talking to people. The more you do it, the more comfortable you'll be with it. The more comfortable you are, the more confident you'll be. And the more confident you are, other people will see that, and someone will eventually be taken with you.